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Is it possible to foster better interpersonal relationships by using agape love as a basis?
Let’s find out!
During a recent encounter with a friend, I was left with the feeling of having been treated both rudely and dismissively. Instead of being upset, I am trying to turn this interaction into something positive through the creation of this blog.
This was not the first incident of rude behavior when interacting with this friend, but it was the first time I explored the causal factors.
My introspection ultimately led me to understand that the response came from my friend’s emotional base of self-importance. This made me very sad, as I didn’t want to admit that this was the true reason for this person’s behavior, and I had tried to convince myself that self-importance was a product of current social media Instead of being a function of human nature.
Intellectually, both my education and long-term dental practice have made me aware of the foibles of human nature. Unfortunately, I had historically chosen to disregard my experiences when interacting with my self-important friend.
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Self-Importance and Self-Preservation
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Can I give my friend a hall pass by saying that self-importance is a developmental carryover of self-preservation?
In prehistoric times, Cavemen who were unaware eventually became lunch for prehistoric carnivores! Only those Cavemen who were aware of themselves and of the imminent dangers in their surroundings survived for long periods. In prehistoric times self-importance fostered self-awareness and self-preservation (those Cavemen who didn’t look out for themselves and think of themselves as their top priority didn’t live a long life!)
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But, Does Self-Awareness Equal Self-Importance in Today’s Society?
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We are no longer cavemen, and my answer is NO! I feel that it is important for everyone to be self-aware. But, the context here is not self-awareness, but how what we say and do affect those around us.
Self-importance is in direct opposition to self-awareness because the words and actions of the self-important are unaltered by the effect they have on surrounding people. The surrounding people are not factored into what they say and do because they are more important than others.
Self-importance is an easy behavior to understand in light of today’s social media, news reports, and actions of athletes and movie stars. Media influencers, movie stars, and athletes often act with an air of self-importance and disregard for others. This aura of self-importance is fostered and encouraged by media outlets. If we want to be like these cool and important people, then we must also be self-important (at least that’s what we are programmed to believe.)
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Does Self-Importance Equal Happiness?
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It is my personal belief that happiness is not derived from looking in, but rather from looking out. A person who evaluates every situation in the light of how it affects them has a much less chance of being happy than a person who realizes that their behavior can have either a positive or negative effect on others. More importantly, their behavior will have a positive or negative effect on how they feel about themselves.
This brings us to a discussion of love. There are four types of love:
- Filia (or Philia)– Wiktionary describes filia from Ancient Greek φιλία (philía)), is one of the four ancient Greek words for love: philia, storge, agape and eros. In Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics, philia is usually translated as “friendship” or affection. This is the most basic form of love, and most commonly practiced socially. It is memorialized is the Golden Rule: “Do unto others, as you would have others do unto you.“ This entails treating others the way you would want to be treated and precludes self-importance (no one would consciously desire someone else to treat them as being unimportant.)
- Storge– The Enhanced Strong’s Lexicon defines storge love as “cherishing one’s kindred, especially parents or children; the mutual love of parents and children and wives and husbands; loving affection; prone to love; loving tenderly; chiefly of the reciprocal tenderness of parents and children.”
- Eros– Eros is the word used to express the love of self, sexual love, or physical attraction between people. The word was is also the name of the Greek god of love, Eros.
- Agape– (Greek agapē) fatherly love of God for humans, as well as the human reciprocal love for God. Agape love is the highest form of love.
There are three levels of love to be considered:
- First level of love– loving others as you would want them to love you.
- Second level of love– loving others as you love yourself.
- Third level of love– loving others as God loves you.
Most people operate almost exclusively on the first level when dealing with others. We want other people to treat us in the same way that we treat them.
The second level becomes much harder. With this second level of love, we love others as we love ourselves. This level of love would be expressed considering the other person’s feelings and desires above ours when making decisions, and putting others before self ( no room for self-importance here!)
The third level is the hardest to attain and is the highest level of love. God‘s love for us is pure and selfless. Agape love is considered to be the “nature” of love.
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Putting This All Together
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Will I forgive my friend for the rude and insensitive behavior? Yes, I will. I know the comment occurred during a stressful period.
This is easy because I only have to operate from level one love. (I would want this person to forgive me if the situation was reversed.)
Can I continue the friendship based on agape love? This is harder to answer because to operate at the level of agape love I will need to forgive past indiscretions, and future indiscretions while understanding that the behavior will probably not change. I will need to be capable of loving this person, even with their faults unchanged.
If I’m able to practice Agape love, then I will emerge as a stronger and better person.
The basis for growth is to understand that I cannot control or change another person’s behavior. I can only control my response to others’ behavior. But to practice at the highest level, I must practice Agape love!
Final Thoughts
- It’s a fool’s errand to think that we can change other people’s behavior. We can only change our response to that behavior.
- Self-importance can be a significant problem as it leads to treating others opposite the way we would want to be treated in the same situation.
- There are three levels of love, with Agape love, being the hardest to achieve and the purest form of love.
- Happiness comes from striving for Agape love, which means loving everyone and forgiving other people‘s faults. It’s much easier said than done!
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