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Memento Mori: “Remember you must die.”
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I don’t know about the rest of you, but a part of me knows that one day I’m going to die. But at the same time, another part of me feels that I’ll never die.
At age 72, I’m active physically and mentally. Psychologically I’m aware that death is out there somewhere on my horizon, but that horizon still seems a long, long way off. I don’t think about my death, and I certainly don’t dwell on it. I’m not ignoring or denying my demise, I’m just not embracing it.
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This conundrum was brought into much sharper focus a few weeks ago. I am the fourth of five siblings. Now I’m one of four remaining siblings!
I received notification on a Saturday night that my oldest sister had an inoperable brain bleed and was given a survival prognosis of less than three days. Within twenty-four hours she was gone! Suddenly the phrase “Momento Mori” had a much more personal meaning.
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Over the years my wife and I have suffered the loss of our grandparents. Both of our sets of parents are deceased, with my mother being the last of our parents to pass away. My mother died during the 2020 calendar year (at almost 101 years of age.)
The deaths of my parents and my wife’s parents were very hard emotionally and very hard to accept.
This time was different. I always expected that my parents would die at some point. As silly as it sounds, I guess I didn’t expect my sibling to die! I’ve had a hard time processing the death of my sister, and I’m hoping that writing this blog will help with my grieving.
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My sister wasn’t a world leader. She wasn’t a global financier or a renowned political figure. But, she was my oldest sister and a large part of my early years.
It was not uncommon in the late 1950s and early 1960s for older siblings to help in the care of younger siblings. Being the oldest, some of this childcare fell on my sister. Not only was she a sister, but she was also a part of my early childhood and child-rearing. My sister and I stayed connected throughout her whole life. As I got older, I took care of her young children on occasion. Eventually, we both lived in the same city, after both of us moving several times during our lives.
My sister and her husband worked very hard for many years, and towards the end of their lives, they both wanted to relax and enjoy their remaining years quietly. She died in this same manner, both quietly and peacefully.
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What Was My Sister’s Legacy?
My sister was a mother, registered dietician, and business owner who co-owned a business with my brother-in-law. She raised four children and left children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren behind. Her real legacies though, were her faith and goodness. She couldn’t change the whole world but tried to change the world around her. Could you ask more of anyone?
This got me thinking about my legacy. My grandfather was a state senator who helped many people in his lifetime. His son, my father raised five children. I became a dentist as a result of my parent’s guidance and encouragement. Over the course of my career, I’ve helped thousands of patients. My parent’s and grandparent’s goodness was multiplied through me. My wife and I raised three children who are all independent business owners in the service industry. They, in turn, will help thousands of people over the course of their lifetimes. My parent’s goodness was multiplied through me. During my lifetime this ability to help others will be multiplied threefold. This alone could be our legacy.
I’ve thought about all the dental treatments I provided throughout my whole dental career. It makes me sad to realize that my dental “legacy”(every bit of the dental treatment provided in my lifetime) will cease to exist in one hundred years or less. But the care and comfort I’ve provided for thousands of patients will be multiplied through their health and increased productivity.
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When I began the Retiring With Enough Blog and Podcast I was told that these digital formats were “Evergreen,” and that both would be available forever on the Web. I find it comforting to think that my children’s children may be able to access my thoughts on some future date. This seems as good a legacy as any legacy I could provide.
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I’ve also been evaluating the wisdom of passing the bulk of my assets to my heirs. Unfortunately, passing on wealth to heirs is generally not thought to be sustainable.
A quote from Empower.com speaks about the challenges of building generational wealth:
“Unfortunately, the default for parents is to work hard and pass down assets. But that scenario is unlikely to work in most cases. That’s why an estimated 70% of generational wealth doesn’t make it past the second generation, and 90% disappears by the third.”
I would hope that my heirs would be different from all the people who have preceded them, but research disputes this assumption.
My wife and I will still pass our wealth on to our children, but we have decided that instead of leaving a larger estate at our deaths, we will start gifting our children now when they are most in need of the funds.
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When my mother passed away she had a moderate estate. But, the money I received upon her death was not very impactful to me at age 68. I was already financially independent and debt-free. I could have done so much more with that inheritance if I had received those dollars at an earlier age when the dollars would have been more meaningful.
We are trying to gift our children now when those dollars will be more meaningful to them. It means they will receive significantly less at our deaths, but the money will be better spent now than later!
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My oldest sister had a moderate estate. Because she died at an age much younger than my mother, her children (my nieces and nephews), will benefit more from their inheritance because they are still of ages where the inheritance will be more impactful.
My sister was a good person who left the world a better place for her having lived in it for eighty-one years. I want people to say the same about me when I finally die!
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Final Thoughts
Death eventually catches up to all of us. Some people die young. Some people, like my mother, live to be over one hundred years old. Rather than marking time on a calendar, I’m trying to make the most of each day. Even at age seventy-two, I’m still trying to make the world a better place.
My sister’s death has helped me to realize that “legacy” is less about money, and more about impact. I hope the “Butterfly Effect” is valid and that the good works of every person (including my sister) ripple through the world and facilitate goodness on a larger scale.
I work on a legacy of goodness every day. Some days I focus on being grateful. Some days I engage in a random act of kindness. Some days I help someone with no expectation of compensation or gratitude.
Hopefully, my Blog and Podcast help many people.
“Legacy” doesn’t necessarily mean money. Legacy means the world is a better place for you having lived!
Death and Legacy are both singular events. I can’t tell anyone about how to live their life, or how and when their death will occur. All of us walk a singular path to the grave! I also can’t really gauge the personal importance of legacy in anyone’s life. This Blog was written in hopes that each person will consider their mortality, and what positive effect their life can have on the world. All of us can leave some legacy of goodness. You don’t have to bequeath a million dollars to a charity. Just sow the seeds of goodness for the next generation to harvest!
“MEMENTO MORI“
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