jfjjfhjfhfgh
You may have a sibling, parent, or spouse who is ill, aging, incapacitated, or in need of care.
During the last few years of my mother’s life, I was her primary contact person at her Assisted Living facility and, along with my sisters, provided most of her financial and Healthcare needs. I was able to spend several days a week with her and walked beside her during the last stages of her life’s journey. This blog details some of the things she and I experienced!
“Socrates famously said that the unconsidered life is not worth living. He meant that a life lived without forethought or principle is a life so vulnerable to chance, and so dependent on the choices and actions of others, that it is of little real value to the person living it. He further meant that a life well lived is one which has goals, and integrity, which is chosen and directed by the one who lives it, to the fullest extent possible to a human agent caught in the webs of society and history.” ― A.C. Grayling
fmfmmfmnfmfmf
fnnnfnnfnmmnmf
As stated above, this blog is not about doing another life memorial. I quoted a passage from “The Thursday Murder Club” by Richard Osman to use as my title. In the later stages of my mother’s life, there were many highs and lows. But, I always tried to count every day spent with her as a good day! Before I speak about real-world situations, I need to mention a few things.
vjfjjgjjgjjjbv
My mother, Anita, was born in 1919. She passed away almost 4 years ago during the 2020 COVID pandemic at the age of 100. Let’s consider the span of her life for just a minute.
Anita gained the right to vote at one year old (In 1920, the 19th Amendment was passed in the United States, granting suffrage to women.) She experienced the beginning and the end of Prohibition. She observed the building of the Empire State Building and was seven years old when 25-year-old airmail pilot Charles Augustus Lindbergh flew solo nonstop across the Atlantic Ocean to Paris.
She empathized with America’s farmers during the Dust Bowl Days of the ‘30s. She lived through WW II, the Korean Conflict, The Vietnam War, the Iraq War, and about twenty or thirty other major geopolitical conflicts.
She most likely saw a flash newsreel about Jackie Robinson breaking the color barrier to play major league baseball with the Brooklyn Dodgers. In addition to seeing the first black major league baseball player, she also saw the “first man in space”, the first Super Bowl, Y2K, 9/11, the first space walk, the first man on the moon, the Challenger disaster, and the Columbine massacre.
She was alive when Alexander Fleming discovered Penicillin and Jonas Salk developed a vaccine to combat Polio. She witnessed the first organ transplant, the eradication of Smallpox, and the beginning of AIDS.
What an incredible period to be alive! With the lack of educational opportunities for women during her youth, she still gained as much education as possible. She married, raised five children who were college graduates, wrote two books listed in the Library of Congress, was a recognized champion cook, was married for 49 years, resided in her hometown for 96 years, and lived for 73 years in the house she moved into as a young bride. In addition to her five children, she was survived by 12 grandchildren, 17 great-grandchildren, and 9 great-great-grandchildren!
At age 96 she still drove herself weekly to a local nursing home to distribute Catholic Communion to the “old people” who lived in the nursing home.
But all of those accomplishments, are not the real subject of this blog. She also suffered many of the joys, setbacks, and indignities that are integral to reaching the century mark in age.
vnnvjvjjflv
The following stories describe life occurrences that most people with sick or aging relatives will encounter, and more importantly, what was done to resolve these issues.
Problem: One spouse handles all financial transactions–
When my father passed away unexpectedly at age 70, my mother was not sure that there was enough cash available for funeral services for my father. At the age of seventy-one, she was totally unaware of her financial position and how to manage her finances. Once we were able to access her financial information we were happy to learn that my parents had a healthy net worth. Solution: Appraise her financial situation and give a clear precise overview of present financial condition.
Problem: Low financial IQ–
Over the next few months, she and I spent a great deal of time helping her to gain a basic understanding of her finances. At age 71, she wanted to learn more about money. She decided she had more than enough money for her needs, and after settling her husband’s estate, she transferred the bulk of it to her five children. Solution: provide basic financial skills like check balancing and understanding a net worth statement.
Problem: How to best help a grieving parent–
Being raised as a child of the Great Depression and experiencing World War II in her early adulthood, she approached life with a very stoic attitude. On the day of our father’s funeral, we helped her remove all of his clothes and personal items. When asked about delaying that project, she told us she wanted to do it immediately. What I didn’t realize was this was my mother’s way of beginning to process the loss of her husband of 49 years. Even though we all thought she should delay this task, we helped her completely remove all my father’s personal items. She grieved long and privately. Although she had opportunities, she never dated or remarried after the death of my father. Solution: In retrospect, I’m glad we agreed to what we thought was a harsh request on the day of my father’s funeral and allowed her to grieve in her own way.
Problem: Loss of LTC policy–
At the age of 96, she was still active and drove her automobile on a regular basis, but even at age 96, she was subject to personal setbacks. She called me one day to tell me that her long-term care policy premium was doubling! At the period her need for long-term care was increasing, the long-term care insurance provider decided to price her out of the market! She and I evaluated her Long Term Care policy and decided that the premium-to-coverage ratio was too high. She ultimately canceled the policy but did receive a return of premiums that helped defray some of her future healthcare expenses. She was upset, but with her typical stoicism, she moved forward. Solution: Helping to find the best resolution for a bad situation. In this case, it was taking the cash from the return of policy premiums and setting the cash aside for future long-term care expenses.
Problem: Moving to an Assisted living facility–
At the age of 97, Anita made the decision to move into an assisted living facility. After living for 73 years in the same house she moved into as a bride, she made the decision to sell the house, gift her vehicle, and move into an assisted living facility. Solution: Even though we (her children) were initially opposed to her decision, we allowed her to move forward and helped her to make the best choice possible. Her three children who lived locally split up and canvassed the available assisted living facilities to find the best fit for her.
Problem: Giving away personal items–
I was amazed when she called us to her home before it was sold and gifted us with personal keepsakes of her and my father’s life together. She quietly and passively watched as each of her adult children picked different items she and my father had acquired over their lifetime together. What a display of inner strength! Solution: Accepting personal items with great sentimental value, and respecting that value. We were able to navigate this situation by amicably resolving any disputes about “best picks” by using a system to give everyone a fair pick and reshuffling the order after each round of picks.
Problem: Clinging to the past–
After her house had been sold, along with most of her personal belongings, we arrived at the day of her move into the assisted living facility. When the Movers were ready to leave with her remaining furniture items and clothing, I asked her if she wanted to take a few minutes to walk around. She said “No”, while picking up her jacket and walking out the front door, never looking back! Solution: I wanted to give my mother adequate time to look around the house she had lived in for 73 years. She didn’t want to show any outward emotion!
Problem: Acclimating to new surroundings–
Once settled in her new apartment at the assisted living facility, I accompanied her to the dining room for lunch. I remained seated while she moved around the dining area, introducing herself and chatting with other residents. She embraced, as much as possible, the community life of an assisted living facility, and participated in meals, activities, and games. She attended mass with us every weekend and dined regularly with family. She learned quickly that she didn’t want to participate in assisted living-based field trips because they did not fit into her personal schedule. Solution: We worked quietly in the background to help my mother acclimate to her new surroundings while trying to not be pushy or lead her in the direction we thought was best for her.
Problem: Maintaining continuity in new surroundings–
She maintained a daily schedule of prayer, exercise, and reading. When she moved into the assisted living facility at age 97 she had to resign from the stock investing club she had started in her early 90s as she could no longer attend meetings. Solution: Instead of pushing her to engage in activities, I would instead ask her in which of the weekly activities was she planning to participate. Instead of pushing, I tried to plant seeds!
Problem: Maintaining individuality–
She regularly complained about the assisted living facility’s food quality and variety. Very soon after moving into the assisted living facility, she presented the chef with a copy of her cookbook, “From Mama To Me”, and offered to provide cooking lessons. She had to be escorted out of the kitchen several times because of her insistence that she could help with better meal preparation. The truth is that she was correct! No positive dietary changes resulted, even after she had several meetings with the assisted living supervisor. Solution: Without her knowledge, I also met with the facility supervisor to express her concerns and verify the soundness of the facility’s dietary plan. Once I resolved that the dietary plan was adequate, I tried to allay her doubts as best I could.
Anita could be brutally honest but in a charitable manner. She was quick to offer “constructive” criticism for both staff and management, other residents admired her ability to always speak her mind, but in a diplomatic manner.
Problem: Cognitive decline–
In her 99th year, her cognitive abilities began to decline. I assumed total control of her healthcare needs and financial responsibilities. She was not confined to her room or the assisted living facility, but chose not to venture outside of the assisted living facility. Solution: My youngest sister and I became responsible for providing her with toiletries, clothing, and all the needs of daily living. It was also at this point that we began to provide supplemental care provided by outside paid caregivers. Our ability to supplement the care provided by the assisted living facility allowed her to remain there until the time of her death. As her cognitive decline increased, we increased the outside caregiver coverage to round-the-clock coverage.
This period was one of the hardest and most emotional periods of my life. A friend and dental patient in my practice stated: “One of the hardest things in life is to watch your parents become your children!”
As my mother’s cognitive abilities declined, she became more dependent on the care and support my younger sister and I provided.
Problem: Accusations of elder abuse–
After residing in her assisted living facility for about two years, my mother began relating periodic stories of elder abuse committed against her. Solution: Being extremely concerned, I met with the assisted living home director and reviewed the security footage from her hallway. There was no evidence of unexplained or prolonged visits to her apartment. This same scenario occurred repeatedly, with the same result of no unexplained activity noted. My mother insisted that we contact the police, and in addition, she wanted to meet directly with the assisted living Director. My younger sister said it broke her heart when my mother told my sister at this meeting that my sister was her daughter, and as her daughter, she was supposed to believe her instead of believing the Director (even after the repeated absence of any evidence to support her claims.)
Problem: Trying to solve the problem of loneliness during COVID–
The 2020 COVID pandemic proved to be a critical point in her life. She was confined to her room and was unable to exercise daily (which she still did at age 100), and her social interaction was limited to her caregivers. She could not understand why I was unable to visit her regularly as I had almost daily since she had moved to the assisted living facility. We tried visiting through an outside window, but these visits proved unsatisfactory and only made her sad. She couldn’t understand why we weren’t able to visit face-to-face. Solution: There was really no solution to an untenable situation. I called my mother every day and periodically contacted her supervising nurse to get updates on her mental and physical condition.
Problem: Accepting end-of-life choices–
After four months of involuntary solitary confinement and being unable to directly interact with family, I feel my mother decided she had had enough! Enough of the solitary confinement, enough of the isolation, and enough of life. After surviving COVID exposure from an infected caregiver without contracting COVID, she succumbed to “Broken Heart” syndrome. Not the medical condition termed “Broken Heart Syndrome”, but from a heart broken by continuous isolation and seclusion. Solution: I tried to support and comfort my mother with every possible means. When the assisted living facility recommended Hospice care I negotiated daily, single family member visits. In this manner, I was able to spend time in person with my mother each day during the last month of her life (even in the midst of the COVID lockdown.)
fnfhhfvhhjfjjf
Final Thoughts
After almost four years after the death of my mother, I wanted to share some of the situations we faced as a family. These same situations have occurred before with others and will occur over and over in the future.
Walking life with aging parents, friends, or relatives is stressful for all parties.
For me, the biggest stressor was making important decisions on behalf of someone else, and someone that I loved dearly. I didn’t want to make any wrong decisions, and in retrospect, I got it mostly right.
Did I miss anything?
Of course! Probably the worst mistake was following the council of others instead of gut instincts.
Following the wisdom of authority figures almost led to the early initiation of Hospice care for my mother. If we as a family had not asked probing questions we would never have realized that Hospice care was not indicated at that point in my mother’s life. The following statement is critically important: a patient’s treating physician is the only person who can determine if hospice is indicated.
No one else: nurses, supervisors, or family is authorized to make that determination.
If we had not questioned my mother’s treating physician directly we would have missed that critical information and made a critical error in her care and treatment.
Did I second-guess myself? Absolutely!
When acting and making choices on behalf of a parent there is constant self-doubt, and the decisions never stop. Is this the right choice? Is this the right assisted living facility? Is this the right healthcare provider? How often do I visit? Am I visiting often enough? Do I take over control of finances? When do I take control of finances? There are hundreds of such choices, and many of those choices must be continually reviewed and potentially changed.
We were blessed that our family made the conscious decision to come to a consensus before making major decisions. I was given authority to make minor daily decisions and we formulated bigger decisions as a family. Because we were able to put aside any differences and act in concert for the benefit of our mother, we remained a close-knit family during emotional and stressful times while making the best decisions for our mother. This same pattern remained after the death of our mother and resulted in a very uneventful estate resolution.
Prior to my mother’s death, her home had been sold and her automobile donated. The rest of her net worth items had been converted to cash. When she died she had only CDs, Brokerage accounts, and other liquid assets. I managed my mother’s finances and formulated a Net Worth statement several years before her death with periodic updates.
A current Net Worth statement and cooperative heirs were instrumental in the smooth transition of her estate.
Can an estate be resolved without a Net worth statement and familial cooperation? Absolutely, just not as quickly and efficiently. Even in the best of situations, estates can be messy and hard to resolve. Convoluted estates and uncooperative or combative families lay the groundwork for lengthy and stressful legal fights to equitably distribute estate assets.
Supporting an elder parent can be rewarding, but also very frustrating. In later stages of life, elder parents don’t always do what is best for themselves, but are resistant to any help. Often, children must walk a fine line between helping and intruding.
It’s always hard to say goodbye to someone you love. In retrospect, we were blessed with a mother who tried to count each day as a good day, and who placed the needs and welfare of her children above her personal welfare.
jrjfjjfjjf
If you’d like to be a part of a free online retirement community, join us on Facebook:
COMMENTS