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This blog will be a bit painful to write, as it discusses a topic I’m not happy to discuss.
I’ve been happy in retirement and have not experienced adverse experiences spoken and written about by people who retire.
But, there are things that I have noted and experienced that I think must be discussed.
I titled this blog [Disappearing” in Retirement]. Of course, I speak figuratively, but there are two literal components to this disappearing act in retirement:
*The first component is the way you view yourself. I pulled this quote from the Internet that defines Retirement syndrome: “Retirement syndrome can take a toll on your mental health, leading to feelings of depression, anxiety, or a loss of self-worth. Without the daily structure and social interactions provided by work, retirees may struggle to find meaning and fulfillment in their lives.”
*The second, and equally important component, is the way older and retired people are viewed by others.
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Let’s look at each of these views (Self View and Worldview) and assess the effects on retirees:
Self View
“Do not grow old, no matter how long you live. Never cease to stand like curious children before the great mystery into which we were born.” -Albert Einstein
- Loss of professional or work identity– this is probably the biggest factor, and the hardest to resolve. After working at a career or profession for many years, much of a person’s identity becomes associated with that work. Many years ago, I consulted with a physician who had returned to work after being retired for several years. He said that initially, he was happy being retired, but as time progressed, he became more disenchanted. The final straw was an encounter with one of his former patients who stated when she saw him: “You may not remember me, but I used to be one of your patients when you used to be a doctor.” That one statement caused him to return to actively practicing medicine. He realized that in his mind he was still an active physician, but in the minds of his patients, he was no longer relevant. His lack of relevance in the eyes of his patients ultimately caused him to return to the active practice of medicine. Even though he had no financial need to return to work, his psychological need to remain relevant dominated.
- Loss of perks associated with work– work provides many benefits for workers. In addition to professional or work status, there are other perks, such as paid vacation, paid travel, expenses, paid Retirement contributions, paid time off, and paid continuing education.
- Loss of relevance– It’s disheartening to realize that many people feel they no longer have relevance once they leave their jobs. Like the first story in this blog, many people feel they lose the credentials and experience they’ve worked to gain. Some people feel that all of that work experience is for naught and that they are no longer relevant. They no longer make a difference to other people.
- Loss of work friendships and interactions– Many friends state that once retired their phones quit ringing. Work associates and friends quit calling because that retired person can no longer benefit their work situation. It is easy to become isolated and feel that no one wants to speak with you or needs your help.
- Loss of scheduled work or activities– work provides continuity and an ongoing schedule. It is something to do and somewhere to go every day. Once this continuity and schedule are gone, a person may feel out of sorts, unneeded, stressed, or irrelevant.
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The bottom line is that many people are defined by what type of work they do for the majority of their lives. Once this defining work is gone, so is one of the big drivers of self-identity. It is very easy for people who focus on this one part of their lives to no longer feel relevant. Depression, unhealthy habits, and health problems can quickly follow. For many people, it is hard to re-create the framework of self-worth once they are retired. Most workers should explore different options and activities before retiring that they feel they would like to do once they retire. Depression and loss of self-worth can also be a self-fulfilling prophecy if left untreated and undiagnosed. Since most people will remain retired for the remainder of their lives, loss of self-worth and relevance can have severe consequences.
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It’s hard to create a new Self View of yourself, but it’s not impossible to accomplish. How can self-worth and relevance be maintained and re-created in retirement?
- Probably the easiest and quickest is to try new things. One of the great things about Retirement is that each person now has the time to explore old and new vocations and hobbies. Exploring can be done at any pace without the stress of reaching goals or levels of success. It is only necessary that each person reach out and try new hobbies and vocations without the stress of establishing concrete goals.
- Give back– it sounds counterintuitive, but giving away things or giving of yourself and your expertise is one of the best ways to reestablish self-worth. Research has found that looking outside oneself can be cathartic, and is one of the best ways to reestablish self-worth.
- Stay positive– retaining a positive mindset in a changing environment is challenging, but not impossible. It’s hard to remain positive when one feels stress from loss of control of life direction or surroundings. Retaining a positive mindset helps to re-create inner control.
- Mind-body connection– there is a definite and proven connection between exercise and mental health. People who exercise regularly tend to have lower stress levels and better overall health. Moderate and consistent exercise can improve physical and mental health with observable and recordable benefits.
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World View
“It would be too easy to say I feel invisible. Instead I feel painfully visible, and entirely ignored.” -Ramblings of the Claury
What happens when you are viewed differently by others?
I have experienced this phenomenon of age-related disappearance at least three times in just the last six months. The first two episodes occurred in two different physicians’ offices, where my ability to clothe myself, feed myself, walk unaided, and go to the restroom alone was questioned. In essence, my ADL (activities of daily living) level was being assessed.
Yes, these questions were part of a pre-printed questionnaire that was being filled out as a standard part of the appointment, but I felt that I was not being seen or heard.
What are ADLs?
These activities are considered essential for independent living. What are they?
The basic ADLs include the following categories:
- Ambulating: The extent of an individual’s ability to move from one position to another and walk independently.
- Feeding: The ability of a person to feed oneself.
- Dressing: The ability to select appropriate clothes and to put the clothes on.
- Personal hygiene: The ability to bathe and groom oneself, and maintain dental hygiene, nail, and hair care.
- Continence: The ability to control bladder and bowel function
- Toileting: The ability to get to and from the toilet, use it appropriately, and clean oneself.
- Some groups also include the ability to communicate as an essential ADL.
It is a very humbling and uncomfortable experience to have a young aid or medical technician question your ability to walk, feed yourself, etc. It’s worse when you are healthy.
In both situations, I felt like the questioners failed to see me as a healthy individual, but instead as another older person. Even worse, I felt they weren’t seeing me at all.
On several occasions in social settings (such as a gym or a restaurant), I’ve noted young people tend to look through you instead of looking at you.
My most recent experience was at one of the local grocery stores where the checkout clerk asked if I had weight limits on the grocery bags. Upon receiving my questioning stare, she related that some people request that grocery bags weigh under a certain amount. She was mentally questioning my ability to lift and carry bags weighing no more than five or six pounds.
It’s very disheartening to have competency judged strictly by your birthdate. It’s also hard to move the needle even a little bit.
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What Have I Done About This Situation?
My solution has been to gently and kindly force the other party to recognize me as an individual and not base the encounter solely on my age.
In the first two instances at physician’s offices, I stopped the nurse and asked her to look at me. I then asked each if, in her opinion, I appeared to be able to perform daily ADLs. It caught both of them by surprise, and they apologized for having to ask the questions.
In both cases, I had to surprise the nurses, question them, and make them recognize me as an individual. I wanted them to look at me as an individual and not just another person over seventy in physical and mental decline.
In the most recent example at the grocery store, I stopped the checkout clerk and asked her if I seemed to be capable of lifting a bag full of groceries. She apologized and gave some excuses about people coming to the grocery store straight from physical therapy and needing grocery bags to weigh less than a specified amount.
I am a healthy seventy-two-year-old person. Anyone who has read my blog titled: MASTERING AN EXERCISE PROGRAM knows I work out aggressively for several hours each week doing stretching, weight lifting, and Aerobic training.
I am not physically impaired or frail-looking. I felt it was imperative in each example outlined that the person addressing me realizes I’m still healthy.
I also realize that for most people it’s more convenient to place everyone above a certain age into the same basket and consider them all as one based on the birthdate on a driver’s license.
In these examples, I requested that the other person pause to acknowledge me as an individual. I then asked questions to prompt them to make a personal evaluation of my condition instead of a blanket judgment based solely on my age. Instead of merely answering the questions, I gently prompted each person to consider me as an individual, not just another “old person.”
A recent experience with age-based bias that I minimally enjoyed was a recent comical exchange when I requested a High Dose of Flu shot at a local pharmacy. When the Tech gave me a confused stare, I said I wanted the Flu shot for “old people.” This response immediately started a comical exchange about needing help holding the clipboard and needing help to walk to a nearby seat. I countered by telling her a fabricated story about a sign at the front of the pharmacy indicating each person who filled out the medical forms would get a free pen, and away we went! We went back and forth for several minutes with age-related jabs at each other that I thoroughly enjoyed.
Smartly, this Tech had acknowledged me as an individual, and as a person competent to engage her in mental sparring. In a very gracious and graceful way, she and I connected personally and both were happy for the encounter.
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Final Thoughts
No one has to accept age-related bias! My suggestion to encourage others to acknowledge you as an individual is to question them gently about your status.
I’ve found anger and frustration with these situations to be an immediate non-starter. Lashing out at someone erects an emotional barrier that’s extremely hard to overcome once erected.
I’ve found humor to be most effective in diffusing awkward discussions. I use humor often to weave a serious point into a comical story or conversation.
I’ve also found in some cases that exaggerating presumed physical and mental limitations encourages others to reevaluate and realize you don’t fit their preconceived notions, but are healthy and capable.
I feel it’s imperative for us (the disappearing) to retain a positive attitude towards others and life.
It’s always good to give others a little grace. The person you’re engaging may be unhappy, having a bad day, or under a great deal of stress. In many cases, a kind word goes a long way. It’s not always all about you!
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Do we have to become invisible or disappear as we age?
We only disappear if we allow our self-worth to disappear.
We only disappear if we allow others to not see us, and not recognize us as capable individuals.
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