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“Family isn’t defined only by last names or by blood; it’s defined by commitment and by love.” – Dave Willis.
Familjjjfjjfjjfjfjjfy meetings can be a valuable tool for enhancing communication, problem-solving, and building stronger relationships within a family.
Family meetings can come in many forms, both formal and informal.
Unfortunately, one thing I have seen fall by the wayside in recent years is family meetings in the form of communal meals. Traditionally, the evening meal was a time of family gathering and family discussion.
Our family had an informal Family meeting each evening, and each family member was allowed to relate the events and happenings of their day. We viewed each evening meal as an opportunity to discuss, advise, and educate our children.
Our family meals became more sporadic and ill-structured as our children became older and were more involved in afterschool activities. Our children’s academic and athletic activities kept us from home well after our normal meal time. The norm for us became grabbing food somewhere and eating when possible. Our family meals and meetings were limited to Sundays and not every Sunday.
This problem seems to have accelerated, and many families no longer eat together communally. Many new homes are built without a dedicated space for family communal dining. This building trend says volumes about American family units today.
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Should Families Discontinue Communal Dining and Family Meetings?
The answer would seem to be obvious, but it’s not an easy question to answer.
My wife and I continue to have family meetings. Most are informal discussions about plans for the day, week, or weekend. Some are more formal and concern family finances, major expenditures, or proposed trips. Whatever the discussion, my wife and I spend time together discussing the pros and cons while forming a consensus.
We also focus on periodic family gatherings. One of the major reasons for purchasing our larger home is to provide adequate space for our children and grandchildren. Even today it’s hard to get all of them together. Sitting together for a communal meal is complicated because we have five grandchildren, four below the age of five. Four different families with four different schedules, make extended family gatherings difficult.
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So, is the juice worth the squeeze? Are communal gatherings and family meetings worth the time and effort?
I still favor family meetings and gatherings and feel they are critically important and worthwhile. Family ties have been eroded by social media. Many people think the answer to every question can be found by searching Google! This type of thinking discounts the validity and importance of family meetings, with the wisdom and council they provide. A Google search can provide much factual information, but almost no context.
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Do Family Meetings Resolve a Family’s Dysfunctional Behavior?
Family meetings can function as a salve to heal dysfunctional behavior in families, but getting together without addressing the root causes of the dysfunctional behavior will not solve problems. Family meetings are not therapy sessions, and should not be utilized as such. Publicly “Calling out” family members during a family meeting or gathering won’t solve problems, but will increase inter-family tension.
We avoid family gatherings becoming an inquisitional format where continuous probing questions become uncomfortable. Most gatherings have no formal agenda, with information and discussion allowed to flow in any direction.
Used properly, family meetings can be VERY PRODUCTIVE! Here are some useful ideas and topics for family meetings:
Meeting Focus Areas:
- Planning & Scheduling: Discuss upcoming events, vacations, or family outings. Plan family activities, chores, and schedules together. One recurring subject of family meetings is future events. These meetings can be formal or informal, short or long, and may discuss one or more topics. We schedule periodic financial family meetings to discuss finances, a major purchase, our current situation, or general financial planning.
- Problem-Solving: Address conflicts or issues arising within the family, encouraging open communication and finding solutions collaboratively. I’ve stated above that family meetings should not be used to air someone’s dirty laundry, but meetings can be an excellent tool to facilitate and encourage greater family interaction. Families can work together to schedule events that fit everyone’s calendar. Family gatherings and meetings are also a great time for grandchildren to interact with each other and form lasting relationships. All of our grandchildren live within the same state, with four of our five grandchildren living in our hometown. My wife and I are making concerted efforts to gather our grandchildren together so that they can interact and form close relationships with each other.
- Appreciation & Positive Reinforcement: Dedicate time to acknowledge and celebrate each other’s positive contributions and achievements. Family gatherings are useful in acknowledging awards and positive achievements of our children and grandchildren. We are normally aware of these achievements, but the remaining children and grandchildren may need to be informed. We prompt discussion at family meals and gatherings by asking our grandchildren to discuss something they enjoyed doing that day. This leads to much better conversation than the typical “What did you learn at school today?” type of questions. When speaking with our children, questions focus more on how particular projects are proceeding, new projects being considered, or family business that requires discussion.
- Learning & Education: Engage in activities like reading together, discussing current events, or learning new skills. Our family gatherings are typically too noisy and chaotic to provide a meaningful educational experience! We have not specifically used family gatherings as an educational vehicle, and instead like to spend time individually with each of our grandchildren. We utilize this individual time with grandchildren to focus on reading, meaningful discussion, puzzle solving, and learning new skills.
- Values & Goals: Reflect on family values, discuss personal goals, and set family goals together. We have used family meetings and gatherings to transfer treasured family traditions. These traditions can be as informal as deciding who gets to blow out the birthday candles on a birthday cake, or as formal as who says the blessing at family meals. We find our children and grandchildren enjoy the feeling of family connection that family traditions provide. One of our treasured family traditions is the annual Christmas scavenger hunt, where children and grandchildren search for clues to reveal the location of their surprise Christmas gifts.
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Tips for Successful Family Meetings:
- Schedule Regular Meetings: Establish a regular time and place for family meetings. A regular schedule helps to ensure consistency and predictability. Unfortunately, this is one of the areas where my wife and I are inconsistent. The schedules of our children and grandchildren make regular and consistent family meetings improbable. We instead focus on spontaneous gatherings. These may involve a communal meal or a quick visit to catch up. The agenda is not as important as the action of gathering and spending quality time together.
- Create an Agenda: Prepare a simple agenda to keep the meeting focused and organized. My feelings are meetings without an agenda quickly deteriorate into B.S. sessions. The agenda does not have to be written in stone, but there should be some schedule (whether written or memorized) of subjects to be discussed.
- Encourage Participation: Create a welcoming environment where everyone feels comfortable sharing their thoughts and opinions. A family meeting without any discussion is not a meeting, but a lecture. A family meeting should be a time for discussion to formulate a shared opinion or decision on a particular subject. After almost 50 years of marriage, there are very few things that are unilateral decisions. My wife and I enjoy coming to a consensus.
- Active Listening & Respectful Communication: Encourage family members to listen actively and respectfully to each other’s perspectives. Our family, gatherings, and meetings are noisy and chaotic. We make provisions for everyone to speak and to be heard. I’ve been told God gave everyone two ears and one mouth, and we should use them in that ratio!
- Focus on Solutions: Encourage family members to focus on finding solutions to problems rather than dwelling on blame. Another adage I have referenced is: “Don’t come to me with problems, come to me with solutions.” Someone may or may not be aware that a problem exists. But, most people don’t enjoy hearing about problems. It is much more productive to come to a meeting presenting problems and potential solutions.
- Make it Fun & Positive: Incorporate fun activities and positive reinforcement to create a positive and engaging atmosphere. I’m not a make-it-fun person when it comes to family meetings. There are times when fun activities are appropriate and other times when serious discussions are needed. In general, I feel family meetings tend to be a little on the heavier side. Of course, a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down! Accompanying a family meeting with a nice meal or a glass of wine will foster better relations in many cases.
- Keep Meetings Short & Concise: The meeting attendees should consider the age and attention span of all family members attending. This point speaks to the wisdom of having a concise agenda and following that agenda. No one enjoys listening to someone with unclear objectives.
- Delegate Responsibilities: Assign roles like leader, secretary, and timekeeper to promote shared responsibility. This is a more regimented structure than most families desire, but delegating responsibilities helps to foster ownership in the process and helps to share the burden of leadership.
- Be Flexible: Allow for flexibility in the agenda or adjust the meeting based on family needs. Flexibility is an essential key to success. Last adage: “The tree that bends survives the storm!”
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Final Thoughts
Even with all of the information I’ve provided, I am still a firm believer in family meetings and gatherings. There is almost an unlimited amount of information, shared events, and family bonding that results from spending time with family. Having short, concise, and directed family meetings, helps to keep families on the right track financially and socially.
This happens in several ways:
- Open Discussion & Sharing: Create a safe space for family members to share their thoughts, feelings, and concerns.
- Brainstorming & Creative Problem-Solving: Generate multiple solutions to problems, encouraging out-of-the-box thinking.
- Games & Fun Activities: Incorporate games, movies, or other fun activities to promote a positive and enjoyable atmosphere.
- Rituals & Traditions: Develop family traditions or rituals to mark the occasion and create a sense of unity.
- Appreciations & Compliments: Encourage family members to express appreciation by complimenting each other.
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