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“The service was so different from Mom’s. This minister knew Mr. Peg. He told all these stories on him, and everybody was right there. Not slamming their heart doors on the misfortunate dead, but laughing and crying over a life. The whole idea of the sermon was how people connect up in various ways, seen and unseen, and that Mr. Peg had tied a lot of knots in the big minnow seine that keeps us all together. Dead but still here, in other words.” -Quote from Demon Copperhead by Barbara Kingsolver
I’ve written blogs about aspects of my mother‘s and sister’s lives (See: COUNTING THE GOOD DAYS, MEMENTO MORI: DEATH’S REMINDER.) This is the first blog in which I’ll mention my father.
My father was a businessman who was fluent in both French and English. He was a quiet person and was the disciplinarian of our family. He served as the general manager of an automobile dealership and was very active in his community. During his lifetime he served on boards for nonprofit organizations and served spent terms on his hometown’s city council. In addition to being active in business and politics, my father was also an avid hunter and fisherman who never missed an opportunity to spend time outdoors.
My father was also a good provider for his family. His five children all graduated from college and all five had successful careers in different vocations. He and my mother were very supportive of our curricular and extracurricular activities and were present at award ceremonies and athletic events to lend their support.
The main topic of this blog is not about what occurred during my father‘s life, but rather what occurred after his death.
My father was born in 1920 and died in 1990 at the age of 70 years. He died suddenly from what was deemed to be a heart attack. Because of his sudden death, both family and friends were left unprepared for condolences and a funeral service.
Because I was self-employed, I was able to take several weeks off to help my mother with funeral service preparation and multiple decisions made before, and soon after the funeral service had been completed. Since my wife and I lived away from the town where I grew up, I knew that one of my trips home would eventually be for this reason. At age 38 I was sad to lose my father, but felt I was emotionally mature enough to handle the grief and details surrounding my father’s death.
It was during these weeks spent in the small town where I grew up that I learned a valuable life lesson unrelated to the function of aiding my mother. During the period immediately before the funeral, and multiple times in the weeks that followed I was approached by different people who were acquainted with my father. Some I recognized as being close lifelong friends of my father, and some I was less familiar with. The stories they related were all similar. Whether it was a close friend or a casual acquaintance of my father, the person related their connection to my father and how he had affected their life in some manner. In some cases, it was as simple a gesture as being the first person in my hometown to welcome them as a new resident. Some of these new residents became lifelong friends of my parents.
In other cases, it was financial help of some sort. In some cases, it was business guidance or counseling. Many of his workers looked to him for guidance with family problems.
Regardless of the circumstances, each of these people I spoke with felt closeness and gratitude for the help that my father had provided during his lifetime. They felt a particular closeness and friendship and expressed their happiness to have known him.
Just like Mr. Peg in the quote at the beginning of this blog, my father had also “tied a lot of knots in the big minnow seine that keeps us all together.” The people I spoke with didn’t want to speak about my father’s death but wanted to celebrate and acknowledge the good things he had done during his life.
After several of these encounters, I began to discern a common theme. The theme was not about a particular service or advice my father provided but rather was about the connection formed between two human beings. What they said in different ways with different levels of eloquence was that the “connection” was what had made the biggest difference.
Through these various conversations, I began to realize how many lives and how many ways my father had touched and affected other people. I also began to realize the importance of the connection between people was greater than the help provided.
In the years since my father’s death and funeral, this scenario has been repeated in eulogies for other people. These occasions have solidified my belief that one of the most important life goals a person can work towards is to create lasting connections with other people.
But for most of us making deep personal friendships, is not the easiest task to accomplish. My wife and I have discussed that we are blessed to have several close friendships with different people. Most people hope to establish one to three true personal friendships.
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How Do I Define the Term “True Friend?”
My definition of a true friend is someone I could contact at any hour of the day or night in an emergency and expect them to respond immediately with an offer of help. Using this criteria, I can sort my list of friends quickly and identify my true friends. My list of friends is moderately long. My list of true friends is minimal.
For all the benefits that the Internet provides, creating lasting personal relationships is not one of those benefits. It is relatively easy to initiate a social relationship with someone online, but it is much harder to establish a deep personal relationship when there is no physical face-to-face dialogue or activity.
Devin Keane in buildbetter quotes Jeffrey Hall:
“In fact,Jeffrey Hall, Ph.D., an international expert on friendships, relationships, and social interaction breaks down how many hours it takes to cultivate friendships at the different levels of the friendship pyramid:
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What he found was shocking:
- It takes 40-60 hours to move from a mere acquaintance to casual friendship (lowest on pyramid)
- It takes 80-100 hours to transition to being a friend (second lowest on pyramid)
- It takes ~200 hours to transition to becoming a close friend (second on pyramid) and even more to maintain them!
Although the amount of time becomes lower if you talk about things that matter to you, it’s still so much time!”
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How are Close Friendships Developed?
Without researching this question, my answer would be to find people who have shared interests or hobbies and spend time with them.
The majority of my close friendships started in grade school, high school, college, and dental school. This means that these friendships have had anywhere from 40 to 60 years to mature and transition from social friendships to close personal friendships.
Some of my friends and I played together as children. We spent years together sharing experiences in different school settings. Some of my friendships started with teammates on athletic teams or as hunting and fishing companions. I have friends who love to read, dance, and play chess. The list of shared interests and activities is almost limitless.
Developing a list is easy. Developing and maintaining friendships over long periods is harder.
There’s a duet recorded by Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton titled “You Can’t Make Old Friends.” Kenny Rogers is quoted as saying “The song “You Can’t Make Old Friends” is about two friends who are like one soul—it’s really a true story of our longtime friendship.”
Since I’ve retired I’ve spent some time considering this concept of nurturing lasting relationships. Developing lasting personal relationships (at least according to Jeffrey Hall, PhD,) can take over 200 hours of personal contact. Even spending one hour per week with a person, it will still take almost 4 years to develop a close friendship. As a person ages and the course of that person’s life diminishes, the ability to spend a lot of time developing personal relationships also diminishes. Health or mobility problems and lack of desire take their toll on the ability of older people to develop new relationships.
Although my health and mobility are fine, I’ve decided I would focus on reestablishing prior friendships versus trying to establish new close friendships. I’ve contacted friends from my childhood, college, and dental school days and have worked to reconnect on a personal level. I feel that this strategy has been successful as my wife and I now interact with friends from past relationships.
Does this mean that I’m forgoing new friendships? Absolutely not! Every day I work to develop new social friendships. If these social friendships turn into something deeper, so be it. But, I realize that time is not on my side in this regard!
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Final Thoughts
At some point, statistics such as lifetime earnings and net worth become less important. As I approach my mid-seventies, I focus less on finances and more on how I want to spend the rest of my life. I tend to focus more on creating memories and nurturing long-term friendships than on maintaining my current Net Worth.
Hearses are never followed by armored trucks carrying the deceased person’s money. Hearses are followed by family and friends who want to honor that person and share in creating their last memory of that person’s life.
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